Being a parent of adult children sometimes is so much more stressful than when they were young. Especially if they have a mental health diagnosis, doesn't matter if it's major or minor. It is hard on the entire family. I cannot imagine living with it personally, but I can say it is hard to live with watching a loved one. It is also hard on the family dynamic.
I look in my mind's eye and see this beautiful, brown-eyed imp who would laugh at so many things we thought mundane. He could lay on a blanket and watch the clouds and just giggle. He also loved to watch Abbott and Costello and Ray Stevens videos (over and over again.) He was always having a ball and we rolled watching that pure joy streaming out of his soul.
I remember once when Papa Jerry had gone hunting at the farm in Downing and came home to tell Mammaw (Loretta) that he had shot a coyote. That wonderful, smart little boy of about three said, "Papa, you didn't shoot the roadrunner too, did you?" In total seriousness with those little fists stationed on his hips. We all just died laughing.
We had such high hopes, as parents, for his future (and still do.) I think most parents do and if they don't, shame on them. Everything he did was amazing, of course, but he had his idiosyncrasies. He didn't like to cut or color with other kids. It frustrated him to no end that he couldn't stay in the lines and he didn't want the others to see. He was so bright, and even then, had no filter. Daycare operators had a time because those usual things you could con kids into, did not wash with this one. Most of the time it was funny but it also could be a nightmare.
One day, when my boy was in Head Start, I went to pick him up and he was in hysterics. The lady in charge would not even look me in the face. I remember trying to calm him down and asking, "What is wrong baby? What happened?" He had obviously been crying for some time because he had those hiccup sounds, that we've all experienced at some point, going full force. I was down on my knees holding him and he finally got it out - that woman had locked him out in the back area in the total darkness as punishment for some ridiculous thing a 5 year old had done. I was livid, how does a person who is supposed to have a background in education lock a little kid in a dark room? That (word I can't print) should have been fired and in today's world may have suffered monetarily also. I contacted everyone I could and I don't think anyone gave a crap! The result was a changed child. He suffered nightmares, couldn't stand to be without either myself or his Mammaw for sometime. I really don't think he has ever fully recovered....and it haunts me to this day.
From an early age, he had a distinct understanding of right and wrong. (That doesn't mean he always practiced what he preached) but, he knew injustice when he saw it and abhorred it! He would go out of his way to help someone else. I remember when he was in elementary school, he came home one day and told me that a little girl in his class didn't have a coat. "Momma, do I have enough money to buy her a coat?" (Okay, so I'm bawling now.)
I had responded, "Surely, she has a coat and just forgot it." I was hoping to appease him, surely this child had a coat. I know we are in Texas, but it still gets very cold.
Instead he said, "She must forget it everyday then, 'cause she doesn't ever have one on."
I could see the hurt in those huge chocolate eyes and couldn't resist his need to make things right for him. "Yes, I think you have just enough." So, we went to the store and he bought his friend a coat. These type episodes happened over and over again.
Many times he would want to correct things, or people, and it wouldn't work out so well. One time, I remember there were adds on TV about the detriments of tobacco smoke. Sean was so adamant about no one smoking, he swatted a cigarette right out of Grandpa Clyde's hand. That did not end so well for my boy. He couldn't comprehend why someone, especially someone he loved, would do something so obviously bad for them. He is still pretty much the same today. Doesn't have much tolerance for people that abuse themselves or others.
He is so gifted intellectually, witty and really a good soul. As a freshman in high school, he won both the English and Science awards (I still carry those two charms with me today.) I sometimes look at the picture of the award recipients from that year. He was dressed in a red vest and fingerless gloves with a Yu-Gi-Oh bag hanging from his shoulders. He looked absolutely miserable that day.
I hate to see how miserable he is at times. You kind of get into a rut and just cannot get out of it, I guess. It happens to us all sometimes, mostly though, we can recover much faster. We always say there is someone out there who will see how much of an asset he would be to their company, if they can see past the idiosyncrasies, and give him a chance. He's just an amazing guy.
It has been like a war at times. He seems to focus most of his anger towards me, when it surfaces, and that's okay. I know that people usually lash out at the ones who love them the most because those are the ones that always remain, no matter how ugly it gets. He is a man now, but he will always be that little imp that helped me bake. The guy that made jack-o-lanterns and went fishing with me and looked for his treat from "Ms. Freda" at the bank drive through. The boy who will always have my whole heart.
As he embarks on a new journey in his life, he may be a little Shelden-like but he's mine, forever and always and to the moon and back....
I love you Binks,
Mom
